I shall forget you presently, my dear (Sonnet IV)
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I shall forget you presently, my dear,
So make the most of this, your little day,
Your little month, your little half a year,
Ere I forget, or die, or move away,
And we are done forever; by and by
I shall forget you, as I said, but now,
If you entreat me with your loveliest lie
I will protest you with my favorite vow.
I would indeed that love were longer-lived,
And oaths were not so brittle as they are,
But so it is, and nature has contrived
To struggle on without a break thus far,--
Whether or not we find what we are seeking
Is idle, biologically speaking.
This was my sentiment in June of 2019. It is possible that I was willing to discard my pride, my morals, my self-respect, my everything for a human who had discarded me and her family quite flippantly - embracing Hedonistic Egoism with everything in her being.
I recently saw a quote (whose author, I am uncertain) that said, "If you hesitate between me and another person, don't choose me". I knew that there was another person - that there were other people. I was still willing to re-establish a relationship with her. Was is a Hosea and Gomer complex that I had misinterpreted? Was it the deep-rooted faith that completely believed in the idea of "Shalom"? Was it fear? Regret? All of the above? It was definitely foolish. I am so happy she did not 'choose me'.
After beating myself up for all the wrong I did that led to a broken marriage, I can now see that I was a good husband. I did everything to attempt to make her happy and she operatively rejected it to get negative reaction out of me to justify her egress. I was committed, loyal, loving, (working on) patient, and persistent. Cornel West once wrote, "We have to recognize that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence." She had none.
I love this from Madeline L'Engle: "If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love with is not possession but participation."
As anyone would guess, there were a number of complications that led to the end. However, I am certain (with any thought of debating rejected) that her full-embrace of the previously mentioned Hedonistic Egoism was what took root and bloomed.
I leave you with something else that isn't mine but is a beautiful picture of what that type of Hedonism looks like:
“She would be one of those who kneel to their own shadows till feet grow on their knees; then go down on their hands till their hands grow into feet; then lay their faces on the ground till they grow into snouts; when at last they are a hideous sort of lizards, each of which believes himself the best, wisest, and loveliest being in the world, yea, the very centre of the universe. And so they run about for ever looking for their own shadows that they may worship them, and miserable because they cannot find them, being themselves too near the ground to have any shadows; and what becomes of them at last, there is but one who knows.”
-George MacDonald, The Wise Woman and Other Stories