As quick as I’m certain I’m moving on, something else triggers a memory and I take a step back. Now that I am in a position to step back from me and judge myself, I tend to allow that particular memory to glow in me rather than allow it to simply tear me apart. (It was a greek salad, by the way.)
It is easy for me - especially when I’m alone - to debate that “moving on” idea. For a long time, I had resolved that, regardless of what decision she had made, I would hold fast to my vows. I would oblige the commitment I had made to her until death did we part. That idea turned into something really weird that I won’t get into. It also failed miserably. But, in a very abstract way, I am still committed to her. I can’t really say what that commitment is right now. One thing I am sure of is that moving on does not include cultivating a relationship with any other woman - especially one that would involve anything even remotely sexual in nature. For me, there was only one woman, and that was all. I don’t doubt that the reader will not believe me. It is truth. Does that mean that I don’t recognize attractive humans or that I would never be an unfortunate initiator of the male gaze? Of course not. But I am one stubborn ass and I won’t budge from this.
So, I do know that I still have a great love and affinity for her but, I don’t know what would happen today if she came to me and asked for reconciliation…even though I have said that is what I want more than anything. She has moved on. She has moved way on. How far, I have no idea. She has a whole new life with new people, places, and things and I currently know nothing about any of it.
I’ll still remember the good that was. I’ll still have trouble understanding why that good wasn’t good enough for her. (I remember the greek salad she introduced me to after the divorce when things were looking like they might work out.)
Today’s offering is another cover that destroys the original. REO Speedwagon (I can't even bring myself to hyperlink them. If you are that interested, just web search) released “Keep On Loving You” in 1980. What a ridiculous song from a ridiculous band…until I heard this version from Cigarettes After Sex released 35 years later. This version is full of heartfelt affection. You can hear the pain of want or regret and a desire for wholeness in the androgynous voice of Greg Gonzales.
And, yes, this is what I’m gonna do.