"The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are."
"Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only good for wallowing in."
“Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.”
"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “It might have been.”
People I associate with do not approve of me dwelling on the past. There are endless fantastic quotes, passages, and books they could direct me to that would make me feel like a fool for “wallowing” in misery. I’ve said it before in this blog that one of the reasons I’m writing is so that the disapprovers don’t have to hear it any longer. Giving up regret isn't easy for me. I’m assuming different personalities deal with dwelling on the past differently. I know that my former wife certainly dealt with it differently. We had kept in pretty close contact for a bit and I sensed my never-ending lament nauseated her. She wanted to be friends, but that was it. Whenever I’d write her a poem or bring her flowers, she’d “sigh”. When I’d tell her that I loved her, she would clench her jaws and force a smile with a blank stare. It was rather brutal.
One night we took a long walk together. I asked to hold her hand. She replied, “You never held it when were married.”
Those are the little things that make it hard. There is no amount of counsel or therapy that can cure me of having knowledge that I did not do all I could have done. I know I can’t build on it. I know it’s a waste of energy. And, I also know what ‘might have been’. That knowledge destroys me.
Just before she cut me off completely, I told her that I thought we could’ve had a wonderful marriage and she agreed with me. When I inquired as to why she was unwilling to see if we could finish out the story that way, she was silent.
I was trouble. I will confess it over and over. But, how I loved her. Surely she knew that?
I’m guessing, “no”. If you have a woman in your life who makes you whole, tell her. Tell her you love her, adorn her with praise and gifts, pay attention to her every need, ensure that she understands that she is part of your perfect balance. Posting songs of lament are like sending flowers to a funeral. You should have sent them when there was life to appreciate them.
Another cover in this cycle. Willie’s original is great, but Keaton Henson is pitiful. That component will make you sadder. So, dearest beloved, if you didn’t know it…”You Were Always On My Mind”.