"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
I have a really bad practice of eating quickly. It's something that I've always been aware of. I'm not sure why I'm so impatient with meals because I really love so much about food. Last night, around 6pm, I sat down to eat dinner. While participating in my bad practice, I swallowed a piece of bread that I didn't really chew on much at all. It got stuck in my throat. I was able to dislodge it but that action sent it into my sinuses. The bread was moving freely from my involuntary reaction to it being an obstruction. It was a tug-of-war that was cutting off airflow either through my nose or throat. The nose was preferable since I could still get air into my lungs but, again, that uncontrollable reflex to get this object out of my system kept sending it back down, then back up again.
This battle went on too long before I finally decided on medical intervention. When I arrived at the ER, the bread lodged like glue in my esophagus for about 10 seconds. I made the most horrible sound gasping for breath and watch four nurses stop and stare at me in shock - jaws dropped. While thinking I was about to die, this was the last thing I wanted to see: my saviors incapacitated. Thankfully it dislodged again but the entire situation had sent my blood pressure through the roof, so they placed a nitrate pill under my tongue.
Because it was specifically bread that was causing this problem, they were not quite as concerned about "going in" immediately. I kind of wanted them to do just that. I was over it. I'd been coughing and gasping for breath for almost two hours. They gave me a medicine to relax my muscles and a nasty cocktail that numbed my throat and instructed me to sip on Coca-cola. At around 10pm I was drained but breathing fine and could feel the bread making its way down to my stomach.
I was not afraid of death. I was only concerned about not seeing my son or daughter again and wondering who would be there for my daughter (who lives with me) until she was prepared to get out on her own. She is in the process of making those plans right now but, she's my kid and I love and care for her deeply. Since I don't have a will...now is the time to get one.
And you must know that I am steering this to the beloved. I thought about her quite a bit. I thought of how I attempted to amplify and exaggerate injuries or illness when I was with her. I never ever felt like the whole "for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health" thing meant much at all to her. I was right. I so wanted attention and affection but generally just irritated her. I was pretty prone to small accidents and I'd always hear the sigh and see a look of antipathy in her face when I'd walk in with a nail in my foot or a pulled back...
As I continue to "curate" heartbreak in this blog, I run the risk of eventually speaking ill of my former wife. I don't intend to ever put a negative spotlight on her. I have always been open about my faults and about my role in causing the relationship to fail. But, last night, I did feel so alone. I wanted her by my side - even if she was rolling her eyes at me and plotting her escape. She was such an odd comfort. If anyone reads this, maybe you have an answer to how a person can be fully aware of the contempt someone has for you and still find comfort in that person and still want to cling to them out of (what I thought was) love.
But she wasn't there. I made it through because I've nurtured a new relationship with my Creator that has given me some peace. Through all of my begging and pleading, I tried to convey through word and action that I wanted to continue to be there for her. I cannot tell you why, other than my heart still remains full of love for her. I absolutely built my world of dreams around her so, where there is love - I'll be there.