"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear."
-James 1:19 (MSG)
"A man should never miss an opportunity to keep his mouth shut."
-David Eddings, The Treasured One
"You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming."
I am looking forward to cold weather moving out. I can't wait for warm sun, flowers, green grass - rebirth and renewal. A time of resurrection, new life, new hope. I'm headed out of an emotional winter right now. I have absolutely no interest the "beloved" any longer and still don't want to get into those details, but the essence of the situation must be explored today.
The events that took place last weekend - revelations that made me loathe the one I used to love - were so full of nerve-wracking drama and involved a rather large circle of individuals. I lashed out at many of these folks because I missed an opportunity to keep my mouth shut. I allowed my tongue to lead. A dear friend of mine often calls me "Mr. Reactionary". I do many things without thinking them through. I am very spontaneous with ideas, actions, decisions, and my tongue. It is unfortunate and one of many negative traits I continue to iron out as I move out of winter. In my reaction, I assumed things about friends related to my turning point and said things to those friends that I immediately regretted but it was too late. I've been putting out fires for two days.
I met with a very dear friend last night who was crushed by my assumptions and my stern reprimand. There was immediate forgiveness from this individual and we were able to iron things out but there will be a scar...you don't forget stuff like that. Alas! But I'm leaving it behind with everything else I'm leaving behind. I cannot continue to allow Mr. Reactionary's past decisions to haunt me. I've been forgiven.
As far as lamenting love lost, I just can't do it. The daily posts have been so stale. There is no heartbreak to ponder any longer. This is something I thought I'd be working through for at least another year but it's like pulling teeth at this point. I keep threatening to quit but keep having individuals encourage me to keep posting. Even last night, the friend I met up with for my apology informed me that they had just been through a breakup. On a road trip taken this weekend (when my reactionary self sent out the scolding) they had listened to the mix CDs. One disc in particular hit home for them and a choreographed event was played out in their mind from the 1st track all the way through the 14th. Stories like that make me want to keep it up.
I realize today's post is a drag. It is dull, boring, and doesn't really stick to a single point. I'm just trying to wake up from my dream - I'm thawing out from a very long winter. I am learning lessons and I'm so excited to move forward. I can't and won't lament the one I used to love any longer but I'll always have nostalgia for everything that came with the first few months I laid eyes on her. The fact that her innocence is so long gone is more heartbreaking than anything now.
This past October, I traveled to Cincinnati, Ohio to see Cigarettes After Sex. While in town, I went shopping for records. Angel Olsen's newest album, "All Mirrors", had just been released. I went to the turntable bar at Shake It Records to give it a sample. About 15 seconds played before I lifted the stylus, took the wax off the platter, and returned it to it's sleeve. It wasn't because I was unimpressed - I was in love with it and knew I was buying it without needing to hear another note.
At the time, I was still in a pretty sad state. I was blown away by the lyrical content of this album and thought, "If I had the ability to write songs, this is the album I would have written for my life right now." It was uncanny. My poor daughter rolled her eyes at me daily because I played it over and over and over and over again. I'm still playing it. Without a doubt, my favorite album in the past 3 years.
Today's offering - delivered at the end of my longest and most disorganized post to date - is "Spring". Track 5 from "All Mirrors" lands exactly where it should on this gorgeous album. If you have a story of redemption and hope send it my way. I'll pick one to share on the site. If chosen, I'll send you your own vinyl copy of Angel Olsen's "All Mirrors". If you don't have a turntable, I'll send you the download code and keep it as a back up.
As spring reveals itself, I pray you find the love that will never leave - plant it in your heart.