In my exhausting journey of lament I experienced the typical mountains, valleys, deserts, oceans...
It began with anger and resentment and moved into indescribable sadness. Then I experienced hope that lead into confusion then into joyful anticipation and happiness. It wouldn't be long before those prospects sent me down the darkest road yet...strangely (but not surprisingly) taking a slight optimistic detour that lasted about two weeks.
After the glimmer of what I thought might be reconciliation was burning away, I resorted to more begging - paired with gifts and offers. This particular season was happening in the first two weeks of November. What would have been our 25th wedding anniversary was coming up. I had prepared an elaborate scheme to win her back. This strategy involved several gifts and an offer to take a trip together anywhere in the world. I had recently sold several works of art and was in a position to make that offer.
I had visited her in her new hometown just a week before. It did not go well. I was very frustrated in her unwillingness to even remotely consider a scenario that might lead back to "us". We ate. We got coffee. I begged. I cried. She just stared at me blankly. I drove home rejected, dejected.
A week later she had come back to town for a short job. We had not spoken for a week because I was too upset and she was sick of me. I contacted her and asked her to coffee. She agreed. I had one of the gifts that was intended for the "elaborate scheme" with me. The others had yet to arrive. She picked me up and I presented the gift to her. She clearly did not want to receive the gift. Reluctantly she opened it and loved it. Unfortunately it did not fit. I promised to get the correct size and return it to her with the other gifts I had ordered. Looking back, I can almost see the manic desperation...quite embarrassing now. If I dwell on it too much, I realize that this entire blog project is pretty embarrassing - although it has been therapeutic.
After the obvious disdain for the given gift and promised gifts, we had coffee. I encouraged her to consider taking the trip with me as friends to discuss us and to simply get away from everything. It was obvious that she had no interest. My time with her was short. She drove me back to my place of work where I gave one last gasp, stating: "The offer still stands for a trip...anywhere you want to go. I won't harass you over it, but if you decide you'd like to - just call...and I'll get that jacket in your size and get it to you along with the other gifts I had planned to celebrate what would've been our anniversary..." (Just recounting that is cringeworthy now).
I ended the encounter with today's verse (an anagram) printed out for her. She did not read it. She folded it into the car's cupholder.
Two day's later I was given a clear order from her to leave her alone. I did just that and, to my surprise, that's when things started to get better for me. I ignored everyone's advice for three years to move on. I refuse to believe that my efforts to salvage our marriage was a waste of time though. It was worth saving...it just wasn't worth saving to her.
"The air is of silver and pearl, the night is liquid with moonlight"
Save me, oh! metal of the moon
Inescapable reflector of the soul
Let me not inhibit your repelling of vampires - your killing of werewolves
Vaccine of the Earth, heal this penetrated heart
Entreat the favor of Artemis to reconsider the arrow she has crafted for me
Return the thirty pieces to the high priests
-A.O. November 2019