If you are broken-hearted, you know that there are things worse than death. This is exactly like experiencing a death but, that dead individual goes on living. My wake has been quite unbearable. I went from arrogance to frustration to remorse to sadness to anger to fury to the deepest sadness to jealousy to nothing - back to sadness and then down to unfathomable sadness.
Some days I cried so hard I could not understand how my heart could go on beating.
After two and a half years, I’m still sad. More than anything I am perplexed and frustrated that the problems that existed in our relationship outweighed the good and the potential that was there. Some things will never be understood and some things never get answered. I have to learn to live with that. Although I am still sad, there is a numbness with the sadness. I’m not really sure if that’s a good or bad thing. The other is becoming a ghost - I’m even forgetting what she looks like. When I have seen her, it’s like seeing a stranger. The bigger issue is that I’m becoming a ghost also.
Alas! My heart still beats and I try to occupy those beats with passions and distractions. Hopefully those passions and distractions will eventually allow my ghost to live a life unhaunted. At least I am still aware that my heart is beating. I am certain that those beats will never be shared with another. Who better to express this than W.B. Yeats:
Never Give All the Heart
Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.