It's been too long since The Smiths have graced my site. One can never have enough of The Smiths. Today I offer "I Know It's Over". This is the song that ended up reeling me in at age 14 when I was home from school one rainy day with a cold. I had a clock radio with a cassette player by my bed and I rewound this tune over and over contemplating the mystery of a broken heart. 33 years later, that mystery has been revealed to me.
Fresh out of the ER from my choking episode, I ended up there again last night. About a year ago, I was in the worst shape of my life. I was overweight. I did not exercise - ever. My diet was horrible. The depression in my life was too much to handle. My blood pressure was through the roof. This ticking bomb was about to explode. My doctor wanted to put me on blood pressure medication but I decided that I wanted to avoid that if at all possible. I talked about fixing the problem for about 3 months and then finally jumped in to it. 6 months later, I was almost 30 pounds lighter, I was eating great, exercising, and my spirits were up. It was also that season I've spoken of when it had smoothed out with my former beloved and I had high hopes for reconciliation. She moved out of town in August and by the end of September I had returned to my old ways. Perhaps it caught up with me yesterday. My blood pressure skyrocketed and I had several unpleasant hours in the ER.
I can't help but wonder if dwelling on being alone - knowing it's over yet still clinging - contributes to my deleterious situation. I feel like it's helping me take a hard look at my life and has opened up doors for healing like I've never seen. But, my belly alone is evidence that depression still weighs heavy (pun intended) in my soul.
Here is just one of many songs that she and I would've sung together with exaggerated Morrissey voices and dramatic video-worthy body language - running to and from each other to mock the anguish bundled up in this fantastic song.
At least I can chuckle at my own misery and even imagine the beloved behind a camera as she records my pantomime - putting on a hospital gown; getting hooked up with an IV, heart monitor, EKG machine, and blood pressure cuff; lying back on the hospital bed and widely opening my mouth to lip-synch the opening lines: "Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head...and as I climb into an empty bed - Oh well. Enough said."
Sadly, she is only a character in that fantasy. But, I don't know where else I can go.